spill the wine

from coccaine to dating a stranger

2005-03-03T19:58:05Z

last night, a few of us were talking about livejournal and i remembered i had one. i told everyone and they asked if i write in it and i said no. and i said i deleted it a long time ago. but i realized today that i didnt. and now im a little bored, so im going to fill out a little one of these because i never do these anymore.

1. name: alison
2. single or taken: taken, in a sense
3. sex: female
4. birthday: 9-19
6. siblings: brother andrew and sister liz
7. hair color: brown
8. eye color: green/brown
9. shoe size: 7
10. height: 5'2"

r e l a t i o n s h i p s

1. who are your best friends? danielle, randi, kory, rachel, brian, mark
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: yes

f a s h i o n s t u f f

1. where is your favorite place to shop: point pleasant consignment shop
2. any tattoos or piercings: one tattoo, a few piercings

s p e c i f i c s

1. do you do drugs?: only the hardest kind
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: pantene
3. what are you most scared of?: freak accidents
4. who is the last person that called you?: billy applegate
5. When do you want to get married?: whenever
6. what would you change about yourself?: i get sick often, it sucks

f a v o r i t e s

1. color: red with orange and brown
2. food: im really into corn muffins these days
3. boys names: jack
4. girls names: cecilia
5. subjects in school: english
6. animals: big sloppy dogs
7. sports: PILATES, dodgeball, two-stepping, frisbee

h a v e y o u e v e r

1. given anyone a bath?: just dogs, i think
2. smoked?: as we speak
3. bungee jumped?: fuck no
4. made yourself throw up?: yes
5. skinny dipped?: yes
6: ever been in love?: yes
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: a little bit
9. actually seen your crush naked?: ew yes
10. cried when someone died?: yes
11. lied: too much
12. fallen for your best friend?: sort of
13. been rejected?: oh i know all about that
14. rejected someone?: sure
15. used someone?: no
16. done something you regret?: no, but thats probably a lie

c u r r e n t

clothes: jeans, socks, tank top, sweet ben sherman sweater
music: talk radio
make-up: leftover from last night, smeared eye makeup
annoyance: its cold in my house, the wind chimes outside are going fuckin crazy, cramps
in cdplayer: joanna newsom
in dvd player: i dont have one of those

l a s t p e r s o n

you touched: ian
hugged: ian
you IMed: kory
you yelled at: my dogs
you kissed: ian

a r e y o u

understanding: yes
open-minded: very much so
arrogant: no
insecure: sometimes
random: absolutely
hungry: no, blech
smart: i think so
moody: not usually
organized: only in some areas
shy: a little
difficult: no
attractive: im a mess

r a n d o m

In the morning I: wash my face, usually go to work in a bad mood, take some sort of pill and down it with about 6 cups of coffee
love is: love, as kyle's tattoo would say
i dream about: beach parties, for some reason.

o p p o s i t e s e x

what do you notice first: their face and if i like it enough to kiss it
Personality: must be eccentric enough for my liking
last person you slow danced with: kory, to vanessa carlton
who makes you smile? kory
who do you have a crush on? brandon flowers from the killers

d o y o u e v e r

sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: i dont usually talk to many people online but i do sit on the internet a whole lot
wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: yes
wish you were younger: yeah.
cry because someone said something about you?: not really, no

n u m b e r

of times i have had my heart broken: a handfull
of hearts i have broken: i dont know, you tell me
of guys/girls you kissed: probably more girls than guys
of continents i have lived in: one
of tight friends: a bunch, were a big family
of cds i own: a million billion and i just ordered 8 more (!) im a sicko
of scars on your body: not a lot, i dont scar easily

f i n a l q u e s t i o n s

1. do you like fillings these out?: i do, really
2. gold or silver: gold is in
3. what was the last film you saw at the movies?: probably the aviator, the last showing, and danielle and i were the ONLY people in the entire theater
7. favorite cartoon/anime?: family guy
8. what did you have for breakfast this morning?: a corn muffin and a huge coffee
9. you love being locked in a room with?: DANIELLE
11. could you live without your computer?: probably, yes
12. would you color your hair? i do, probably once a month or so
13. could you ever get off the computer?: yes and im planning on it ASAP
14. habla espanol?: yes, a lot actually, i work with a lot of cans
15. how many people are on your buddy list?: 24
16. drink alcohol?: last night my boyfriend called me a lush for carrying around a waterbottle of vodka and then drinking it out of a coffee mug, you decide otherwise
17. would you date the person you got this from?: amanda shauer? fuck yea. im gay as sin.

so that took up a good hour of my life that couldve been spent elsewhere.
right now the object of my life is to save all of my money and then buy a fancy automobile and drive out west with randi beckett in june, experience some sort of life-changing nirvana, come back in july, work back all my money, and move out by september. currently i drink a lot. and ive been doing a lot of work with my camera. if anyone is interested, id like to take your picture. im creating a portrait book of our generation that may someday be published and sold in your nearest barnes and noble.
i have a boyfriend now. his name is ian. he has a beard and he is a kleptomaniac.
last night i had a slumber party with ian, billy, and sarah.
sarah's little brother gave me his wellbutrin.
im off to enjoy them.
xo

my common addiction is love

2005-01-27T19:51:07Z

im really glad i locked my keys in my car last night.

theres a boy i met, many months ago. i see him rarely and thats also how often we speak. when i know i am going to see him, i primp for hours. i spend hours in front of the mirror and change my outfits over and over. he makes me fuss. i paint my nails just for him, but by the time i meet his arrival, they are chipped and bitten down. he is always glad to see me. i like the way he pronounces my name. the first wednesday night i met him, i was dizzy. everyone, deny if you must, has a visual in their mind of their ideal physical attraction. everyone has certain feature favorites. and maybe all of those features are scattered. but one day you will meet them all and they will be placed together very well, like a finished puzzle. and remember, on top of the physical traits, are the personality traits. you have your ideal personality attractions, also. so you've got this ideal "dream" guy/girl, as the magazines put it. and you want to believe that one day you will really meet the finished puzzle. but you never really expect to. especially at this age. because you think that you are supposed to marry that person. and that person is your "soul mate." that other half that everyone is supposed to find. but did anyone ever explain the rules? because no one ever told me that when i found mine, he wasnt necessarily going to find his. this whole "theres someone out there for everyone" theory, yeah, it usually doesnt work both ways. and it hurts, but its exciting. its a knot in your stomach to see the finished puzzle, right there, right in front of your face. which, if you havent caught on, happened to me. many months ago.

colin holloway is a mess. his lips are pouty, like macauley culkin's. his smile is white and straight and wide. his eyes are green, with hints of brown. they are big. his hair is sort of curly, sort of long, sort of messy. and he's always pushing it out of his face. he doesnt shave his face often. he is bony. thin like an eating disorder. (why is that so attractive?? intimidating, also) his style is from the 1970's. jackets, button-down shirts, vests, ties, shiny shoes, dress pants. sometimes he wears hats. and he carries a backpack that looks like army fatigue. in it, he carries his sketchpad. he's always sketching faces. and then he paints them on canvas. his art work is phenominal and bright. he hates it, though. but he loves to talk about art. we'll talk about it for hours. his voice is deep and his words break easy. he trails off. he has great vocabulary. he sings well, although he'll only sing one song he wrote on guitar. or he'll sing The Doors, or other music he loves. like tom waits, or johnny cash. he has a johnny cash bumper sticker on his car. his car is mine, only white and 3 years older. he has an old soul. but he is only 20 years old. he lives with his friends. he rooms in the basement. he calls his bedroom his "studio." it is a mess. like himself. he loves to drink. and his breath always smells of alcohol. he paces when he drinks at work. he struts. and then he stops. and leans. and stares. and hes not one of those people who looks away when you catch them looking at you. his stare is what gets me. its peircing. and its sex appeal. and ive never been so sexually attracted to anyone in my entire life. this may be love, im not so sure, but more than anything, i think its lust.

he was looking forward to seeing me last night. and so he was silly. and he laughed at my bad jokes and vice versa. we stayed and talked until they turned out the lights. i always take him in as much as i can before we depart. we stare at eachother when we know were about to say goodbye. then he'll squeeze me tightly and say things in my ear, like "im really glad you came tonight" or "it was really great seeing you." and then we leave and giggle and glow, like girls with crushes do best.

last night i locked my keys in my car. and colin was walking out to his car. i told him what happened and he told me to get in his car so he could bring me to my house to get my spare key. he said it without hesitation. he had somewhere to be. the bar. but he had been drinking and his car is old, so kevin decided to drive. from belmar to brick. its a longer ride than you think. and colin sat in the passagers seat. and i sat behind. and this is why i think side-view mirrors are so neat.

colin holloway is a mystery. and i dont know how he feels. and he likes to play it cool. but i cant help intuition. he's that guy. and i dont think we'll marry and i dont think were soul mates. but he is that guy. and now that i know, i can prove that whole "dream-guy" theory to be true.

goodluck. its fun when you find yours. its the best crush you'll ever have.

life through a fish-eye lens

2005-01-18T18:50:20Z

today i really thought about how i used to be. real carefree and silly and all. i loved writing in my livejournal and talking about all the adventures of being a teenager. and then, somewhere along the way, all of that stopped. i mean, im still a teenager, im 18, but i feel older. i feel like theres this cross-over between the ages of 17 and 18 where you really do grow up. or atleast most people do. and your adventures dont feel so intense and youre constantly watching your back and your mouth. everything really is a whole lot different when you become a legal adult. but, yes, im trying to twist that. i have my days where i wish i was in high school again, skipping classes, lying in the grass during gym, voting people off the lunch table, and just so much more intuned in human behavior and human contact. since ive graduated and my friends have gone to school, i feel extremely detatched from all of humanity. sure, right now theyre home for winter vacation and i havent had much more than a wink of sleep, but this is so temporary. although maybe im contradicting myself left and right. because if im not mistaken, a few months ago i told myself that things would never be the same, the north brick/south brick crew would never last, and if it did, i wouldnt be a part of it. yeah, i talk a lot of shit. like i said.

so basically, im a grown up. or atleast i want to be. and try to be. but i have my moments. i have my days where i just want to be childish. i mean, we played a massive game of dodgeball at 2 in the morning not too long ago. but i also went to a club. a strip club and a dance club. im not really sure where im going with this. i guess im just becoming eager to grow up, move out, turn 21 so i can go to bars, meet people, fall in love, go to school, have a career, have children.. all of that. its not too scary anymore. i guess because i finally realized that aging is going to happen whether you like it or not. but if youre not me, and you dont think this way, good for you. never turn 18, even if youre forced to.

i noticed that i havent stuck to any of my new years resolutions and i had about a dozen. sad, isnt it? i have no will power. i procrastinate. im lazy. and all i want to do is get drunk.

im moving to philly next year. maybe even july. the sooner the better. i just dont understand how people live with their parents for so long. i mean, maybe its because ive been pretty much the only one in my house with my parents for so long, but its also the idea of responsibility and being on your own and taking care of yourself. i guess it doesnt sound so great, but ive always been taken care of. i need a smack in the face. also, it would be pretty cool to have an apartment with my best friend and stay up late every night, drinking like champs and listening to the who as loud as we want.

im departing sooner than you think. probably before july. im setting out to who-knows-where. im just waiting for the temperature to rise. this cold weather does nothing but keep me inside my house, shivering.

that golden age of endless loss and gain

2004-11-10T04:05:48Z

ha WHATS UP LIVEJOURNAL!

i havent written one of these entries in so long. i guess myspace.com is more scene now, considering im so scene and all. anyway, im still living for those who were wondering and for those who care, im doing just fine.

i dont really feel like much of a waste anymore. in fact, ive got quite a plan. my plan is just to live and let live. know what i mean? the thing is, teenagers, we have it bad. we have to make money by slaving over corporation bakeries and such. we have to meet boys, suck them off in bathrooms at parties, and then get ignored for the following week and so on. our friends get drunk at college parties and call us and tell us they miss us and we just have to go to bed and wish we could be there. we have romantic sex with our ex-boyfriends and lay naked talking about the other love interests in our lives, even though i know were going to get married, brian. we have to own really old shitty cars that fall apart but get us around, even sometimes to new brunswick and back. we have to go to shows and dress in our best just to get someone to talk to us. but all along, its fun. and its learning. and you just have to learn to appreciate every little detail.

i dont mind the fact that one of the most important essentials of being a teenager is wondering when and how youre going to get fucked up. how can i sneak this flask into this show? how can we crush up these pills in the front seat during broad day light? who can we buy really good tree from? where can we go to smoke it? whatever it is, whereever it is, us teenagers just want to get fucked up. and you know what? i like that.

so lately i work full time at atlanta bread. i put up with a lot of shit and i have back pains and i only make $7 an hour and i have to wake up real early most of the time. but its cool. i look forward to wednesday nights when randi and i can get all dolled up, go to coffee blue, pay our $3 admission, drink our cider/coffee, see our boys, make fun of the scene kids, and stop at the diner on the way home to smile and re-cap the events of our night. i like the way i cleaned up my room and organized everything. it gives me more space. i like going to shows in new brunswick or wherever, pretty much every weekend. i also really like any time i can get a chance to visit danielle at RIDER. i usually always have a good time getting drunk with my girl. i like working mondays and fridays with felicia so we can talk about driving to california this may.

i finally have some things to look forward to. some real things. some things that just give me that anxious feeling in my stomach.

if theres something in my eye, i hope it falls out soon.

2004-09-16T17:15:18Z

so ever since i got my computer fixed, ive been meaning to write in here. and i know if i dont do it now, i never will.

so the basis of my life right now is work. i work full time now. usually 6 days a week. i cant complain though. if i wasnt working, i would be sleeping and doing drugs and wasting my life. atleast at work i have contact and interaction. communication is such a big flaw in my life right now. i think i have so much to say but i dont know how to say it or who to say it to.

i still havent adjusted to my friends being away at school. i just keep thinking theyre on vacation or something and they'll be coming home sooner than i think. but its still september. we've got such a long way to go. and i call myself independent...

this entry is stupid and pointless and just proves ive lost my interest to inform people of the events of my life because now, theyre nothing but typical...

...but i did go see a secret modest mouse show last night in new york and it was extremely mezmorizing.

stringing along

2004-08-13T23:42:53Z

so this is my summer, and theres so much talk about its demise. everyone is going away. now im not even going to college. i guess that was my decision. i need a new car before i can attempt to drive 25 minutes away to school all the time. so i guess i'll just work my ass off until i can get a new car. then atleast i can go out of state, see a little bit of the country, visit my friends, and learn while im at it. im so doubtful lately and im not really sure why. i guess because everyone seems to have it all together and i dont. i dont feel like a waste though. i know im going to do something great with my life, whether it be college or traveling or whatever. i just want to get a house with my friends and go shopping for pots and pans.

danielle and i had a great talk the other night. we just talked and talked and we couldve talked all night. a best friend is someone who you dont talk to in 2 days and it feels like a century. two days of catching up is like two days of conversation. i dont know what im going to do when she goes away to school. i'll just be up her ass constantly, i guess. and then theres kory. we had the most amazing night of my summer the other night. when i think of my favorite memories of the past 3 summers, they are all involving kory and i, on one of our silly adventures. we take out our cars, turn up the music so loud, sing at the top of our lungs, find the most magical spots of brick, and laugh until we cant breathe. he really keeps the youth inside of me. what will i do when he goes to school? be up his ass, too, i guess.

and mark. mark is going on tour tomorrow morning, which im really excited for. im glad they finally got it together. and i know this is something they really want to do. im happy for them. but its just gotten to the point where mark and i are so close and i just always want to hang out with him. so for the next month or so, hes going to be scanning the east coast, doing what he loves, and im going to be missing the shit out of him. oh, i love my friends way too much. they really are my family.

so im seeing a boy named andy rinaldi. he lives in edison. mark introduced me to him and i immediately felt comfortable around him. we hit it off so fast. he's such a charmer. me and kory drove up to edison the other night to see him. he cooked us the best past dinner ive ever had. then he took us around new brunswick. we got milkshakes. we laughed a lot. i liked watching my best friend and my new interest hit it off. especially considering kory takes a while to warm up to people. then we went to sheila's house and got a little silly wasted. then me and kory drove home at 3 AM and sang at the top of our lungs. im smiling just thinking about it.

so summer sounds pretty good but the bottom line is that i cant help but focus on whats going to happen once its over. where is everyone going? who is going to stick around? what will i be doing? will everything work out? im feeling so doubtful, but once in a while i get a kick of optimism. tonight i'll go to taryn & lindsay's and i'll see all my friends and we'll drink and we'll laugh and i wont forget to tell all of them how much i love them. especially the argument because theyre leaving tomorrow.

farewell.

well, hello

2004-08-13T23:24:59Z

*The \\*
Last Cigarette:	right now
Last Alcoholic Drink:	yuengling at sheila's wednesday night
Last Car Ride:	about an hour ago
Last Kiss:	andy rinaldi - wednesday night
Last Good Cry:	its been a while
Last Library Book:	a book on scientology
Last book bought:	a book on karma
Last Book Read:	im presently reading 'how i learned to snap'
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	NAPOLEON DYNOMITE... GOD!!
Last Movie Rented:	umm donnie darko....?
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	shit...
Last Beverage Drank:	iced tea
Last Food Consumed:	scallion pancake
Last Crush:	andy rinaldi
Last Phone Call:	that italian bastard andy
Last TV Show Watched:	full house
Last Time Showered:	this morning
Last Shoes Worn:	flip flops
Last CD Played:	new taking back sunday
Last Item Bought:	a tablecloth.... huh
Last Download:	i dont do the download anymoer
Last Annoyance:	shopping for my mom
Last Disappointment:	getting my pants all wet from the rain
Last Soda Drank:	coke at work
Last Thing Written:	a shopping list
Last Key Used:	tab
Last Words Spoken:	WHAT?
Last Sleep:	last night, it was a great sleep
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	death by coffee in new brunswick
Last Chair Sat In:	this one
Last Webpage Visited:	livejournal
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

DO IT

2004-07-28T14:11:25Z

live journal isnt as cool as it used to be. what happened? i guess people just have better things to do in the summer. or in my case, their computer just sucks.

so for the past week or so, ive been sick as a dog. i have strep throat and i had this terrible, terrible 108 degree fever. i couldnt even move. then i went to the hospital, but they didnt really help. ive been real delirious, having weird dreams and hallucinations and all. that happens when youre sick sometimes. ive been feeling a lot better but my throat still hurts a lot. so i'll go cry about it because i highly doubt anyone gives a shit.

im applying to college today. its really close to the deadline. maybe i wont get in. but hopefully i will because my mom wants me to go really bad. my mom's opinion means more to me than anyone else's. if i dont get into brookdale, then i think i will take a photography course at OCC or somewhere. yes. yes i will.

what else is new? summer isnt that exciting. and as usual, im just waiting for it to kick in and get really great but i dont think its going anywhere. not as long as i have a job and a curfew and lazy bones. i do have a few things to look forward to though:

-maybe whiskey night tomorrow so i can meet andy
-the cure show
-modest mouse
-getting paid on friday
-lots of weed to smoke when my throat clears up
-graduation party
-road trip with kory and mandie
-new employees at work
-turning 18
-getting tatoos
-my sister going back to school OH THANK THE LORD

im up pretty early this morning and i have nothing better to do. ive been waking up early since i got sick. its nice. the days are much longer. and if i had some money, id probably go out and buy something really nice. i guess i'll go eat and shower and mail my application. how about that?

poetics

2004-07-16T22:11:15Z

nymphopoetics

one cigarette for every time
for every time i pretend to be with you.
the way the world looks through a side-view mirror
that would make such a great photograph.
spiraling down the water spout
i can watch you catch your flies.
let's add some noise
let's add a sountrack
to the motion pictures of our minds.
we'll call it summertime.
and we'll top it off with a setting sun
and a girl on the run
with only a few dollars for cheap, cheap wine.
electrical towers and powerplant lights.
tell me,
when did our lives become so poetic?

+tonight there is open poetry at this new store called 'urban empire' on mantoloking road. im curious to hear what some people have to read. maybe i'll even read some. i'll be nervous, im sure. i never thought i was poetic until i wrote my first poem. and i liked the feeling of knowing what it was about when no one else knew. and i like trying to figure out what poems and lyrics and album titles mean. its fun to be so curious.

+my mom still wants me to have a graduation party, even though july is half-way over. maybe i will, im not sure. to me, its just an excuse to get drunk with my friends.

+during the day, i dont really do much. i mean, sometimes i have really productive days, but usually i just sit around and daydream about what i wish i was doing. i have no motivation right now. eveything is really stale. but somehow, i manage to make the best of everything. and as independent as i am, i still manage to stay close to my friends. i made a guest list for my graduation party and wrote over 30 people! i couldnt believe i had anywhere close to that many friends. and im pretty close to all of them. so the other night i wondered how long this big group of people would be in my life. and i hoped forever.

+tomorrow is the siren festival at coney island. im going with felicia and her bro's. new people are never a problem. and new boys wouldnt hurt.

summer, swallow me whole

2004-07-10T15:50:54Z

so im liking this summer. i like the neverending sunny days. i had a dream that i woke up and it was winter and everyone was in coats and scarves. why does it have to be that way two nights ago i saw saves the day in new york city. they played 20 songs. an hour and a half long set. they played songs from every album. i have the set list. check it: 1. holly hox, forget me nots

2. always 10 feet tall

3. certain tragedy

4. at your funeral

5. sell all my old clothes; im off to heaven

6. the choke (!!!)

7. where are you

8. all-star me

9. jukebox breakdown

10. im sorry im leaving

11. rocks tonic juice magic

12. tomorrow too late

13. as your ghost takes flight

14. drag in d flat

15. cars & calories

16. this is not an exit

*ENCORE*

17. shoulder to the wheel

18. anywhere with you

19. ups & downs

20. at your funeral

then i saw them again at krome in nj last night with danielle, jackie, and felicia. we dranks some before we went in. "we got crunk!" as d would say. then we mostly sat and laughed until hot rod circuit was over. then we smoked a doobie in the middle of the crowd. so much more dancing last night. new jersey kids get off on saves the day. its our nature. and im pretty sure when they played 'take our cars now' every kid in that club had an orgasm. i know i did. shit, they played it. im just so glad i got to see them play old songs live. i wouldnt want to miss out on that. the set they played last night was pretty similiar to the ny show. except last night they played 'the last lie i told.' thats my jam. i love that song. i had reached nirvana when they played the beginning chords to that song. best beginning of a song ever. im not gonna talk much more about the shows because i dont know who im writing for. i should be writing this in my personal journal. i'll do that soon. anyway, we talked to chris a little after the show, but i was left dissapointed. i asked him a question and i didnt get the response i had hoped for. oh well. i stll love him. so tonight i think were going to show #3, the final show, in philly. i think were gonna have to take my car. i hope she makes it there. i think she will. last night left a bad taste in my mouth, so tonight needs to throw it all together. philly is always a good time for me and d. my legs ache from dancing.

bored & lonely on a summer night

2004-06-28T04:18:33Z

[name:] alison
[Star sign:] virgo
[sexual orientation:] straight
[longest relationship:] mike... almost 1 year
[ever had a long distance relationship:] no
[do you have faith in long distance relationships:] no
[ever been on a blind date:] not really, kind of
[ever dated more than one person at a time:] no
[ever have "friends with benefits":] ehh no
[ever cheated:] no
[ever had your heart broken:] yes
[number of people you had sex with:] 3
[do you kiss on the first date:] sure
[what attracts you to a person:] physical attraction
[physical traits you turn your head for:] hair, style
[say I love you even though you didn't mean it:] yes
[average age you get involved with:] 17, 18, ish
[have relationships changed you:] most definetly
[where do you normally meet people for dating or relationships:] through friends
[would you ever get married:] sure
[key to a successful relationship:] trust

DESCRIBE YOUR:
Wallet? messy
Hairbrush? gross
Toothbrush? pink
Jewelry worn daily? 2 rings, some bracelets
Pillow cover? flowers
Blanket? stripes
Coffee cup? south of the border
Sunglasses? big and black
Underwear? purple stripes
Favorite shirt? wife beaters
Cologne/Perfume? light blue
CD in stereo right now? black eyed peas- elephunk
Tattoos? 3 months, im not counting or anything
Piercings? ears, eyebrow
What you are wearing now? a wifebeater and undies
In my mouth? nothing
In my head? nothing
Wishing? anything
What are you doing after this? probably writing
If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason? bush, to end the war
Person you wish you could see right now? brian
Is next to you? nerd cd
Some of your favorite movies? empire records, the virgin suicides, my girl
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month?: saves the day <3
The last thing you ate? tofu sandwich
Something that you are deathly afraid of? driving next to big oil trucks
Do you like candles? sure
Do you like incense? yes, i bought some today, i think i might light one
Do you like the taste of blood? sure, its not bad
Do you believe in love? yes
Do you believe in soul mates? yes
Do you believe in love at first sight? no
Do you believe in Heaven? no
Do you believe in God? no
What do you want done with your body when you die? i want to be frozen
What is the latest you've ever stayed up? over 72 hours
Can you eat with chopsticks? yes
What's your favorite coin? quarters
What are some of your favorite candies? snow caps
What's something that you wish people would understand? animal rights
What's something you wish you could understand better? politics
Who is someone that you really wish was still around? my grandmother

HAVE YOU EVER...
Kissed someone: yes
Killed someone: yes
Smoked: yes
Gotten Drunk: too often
Worn rainbow: of course
Talked on the phone for over 3 hours: probably
Left the country: no
Had a party with over 30 people: haha maybe
Taken nude pictures: cant say i have
Stolen something: yes
Caught something on fire: yes
Wanted to cheat on someone: no
Asked someone out: no
Had a dream, then the next day it happens: too often

LAST PERSON...
You Touched: kory kissed me goodnight
You Talked to in person: my sister
You hugged/kissed: mandie
Had sex with: matt
You Instant messaged: phil d
who broke your heart: brian

ARE YOU..
Understanding: usually
Insecure: sometimes
Interesting: not really
Smart: sure
Moody: no
Difficult: no
Attractive: not really
Bore Easily: yes
Controlling: no
Sad: right now, a little
Happy: not really
Trusting: yes
Talkative: sort of
Ignored: i feel like it
Reliable: no probably not
Lonely: yea

FOODS YOU LIKE...
-Tacos?: no
-Bread?: yes
-Veggies?: yes
-Pizza?: yes
-Doritoes?: sure
-Pretzels?: yes
-Chocolate?: some of it
-Garlic?: yes
-Veal?: no
-Chicken?: no
-Ice cream?: yes
-Hot Pockets?: no
-Popcorn?: yes
-Pop Tarts?: yes
-Salad?: yes
-Coke?: yes
-Pepsi?: yes
-Gatorade?: yes

HAVE YOU EVER?
-Bungee jumped?: no
-Gotten a tattoo?: no
-Sky dived?: no
-Skinny dipped?: yes
-Gotten your tongue stuck to a cold pole?: no
-Had pop rocks and coke together?: yes
-played truth or dare?: yes
-Puked on someone you really liked?: almost
-Mixed sodas together?: yes
-Had sushi?: yes
-Had dejavu?: yes
-Hung up on someone?: yes
-Used all cuss words in a sentence?: hmm i dont think so
-Stood on your head and drank milk?: no?
-Cried during a movie: i dont think i have
-Swallowed gum?: yes
-Eaten glue?: i hope not
-Slept for more than 15 hrs?: probably when i had mono

she cant sing, she just screams and shouts

2004-06-26T20:45:36Z

whoever said graduation is sad is wrong. ive never felt happier about knowing that i never have to go back to brick high school. im free; im so fucking free. what a release, a fresh breath, an adrenaline rush. i feel so carefree and anxious now that its all over. no more worries. no stress. just summer skies and fireflies. and i dont know what im doing in my future. college? beauty school? dog grooming? whatever. whatever happens, happens. thats my motto for the rest of my life. because some things just come into your life that you dont expect so you cant actually plan out your future afterall.

project graduation (a boat ride around manhattan after graduation) was fun. there wasnt much to do but dance, talk, and eat. and on top of that, youre stuck on a boat for about 6 hours, so theres not really anywhere to go. i mostly talked to phil d, charley, kyle, and chris. it was nice to talk to old friends about old times. we had a few good belly laughs.

this weekend was supposed to be 'weekend at mark's.' but i guess its over now. his parents are coming home tomorrow. thursday night we had a big party and everyone was drunk. it was so fun. i loved being around everyone. we danced for hours. then we swam in marks pool on friday. then i called out of work so we could hang out even more. we rented a movie and crashed at marks when he wasnt even there.

today turned out to be fucking awesome. i was supposed to work 2-10 today. then my sister tells me she can get me $20 tickets to dashboard tonight. and the get up kids are playing (!!) so i ripped the bong a few times, didnt put on makeup, didnt brush my hair and faked sick. people at work really thought i was so sick and such a mess. so after about an hour, they let me leave. haha suckers. so now, me, jack and d are on our way to see our favorite bands of freshmen year.

i got a digital camera for graduation, so hopefully i can get some pictures up in here soon.

peace&love

baygulls

2004-06-18T21:58:35Z

two days in a row ive gone to the beach and its been LOVELY. im so glad summer is finally here. i want to live at the beach this summer. 5 days till graduation. how do i feel? a little anxious, a little nervous, but mostly psyched.

i got color today. its nice to have a tan, or something like it.

so me and danielle are house-sitting for chris tonight. he bought us some beers. its gonna be fun. getting drunk with your best friend is always a treat. we'll probably listen to the new NERD cd really loud and dance around the house.

i have to go get my paycheck. i feel like i havent had money in so long.

bug eyes

2004-06-14T21:10:58Z

so my dad gave me money for gas. instead, i spent all the money on fashion magazines and cigarettes. im such a sucker.

last night was different. i picked up ian and we went to downer beach with blankets. we talked a lot, about everything. we had a lot to catch up on. and yes, things are extremely different now. were almost in 2 different worlds. and the last time we talked was when he broke my heart. but im completely over it and im hoping we can become good friends again. i just want to patch things up with people who have made big impacts on my life before i graduate. i want to smile with my old friends. i really miss my sophomore year. and i know it wont ever be the same as it was then, but for now, i can atleast try. i hope this summer is full of hanging out with different people. people who bring nothing but positivity into my life. i dont need none of that drama and negative input. i will not put up with it.

so me, jackie, and d made this bet. it ends on friday. and its becoming a lot more difficult than i had expected. but it will be so worth it.

9 days til graduation. im not really sure what to expect. im not really sure how i feel about it all. i want out so bad but its like a check point in your life where youre pushed into adulthood whether you like it or not. im not really sure where im headed after this summer, or in the future, at all. but i kind of like it best that way.

i'll be damned

2004-06-11T19:04:04Z

so 1 more full week of school + 3 days. sounds pretty good to me. i just have a feeling im gonna do a lot this summer. non-stop fun like you wouldnt believe.

the thing is, im a compulsive spender. as of right now, i have no money at all. jackie owes me $10 but i hate asking people to pay me back, especially my best friend. i dont get paid for another week. i need to get my economics staight, make some sacrifices, etc. getting paid every 2 weeks is terrible. especially for money hungry bastards like me.

me & kory the other day

the end is only the beginning

2004-06-09T05:28:35Z

dear journal journal journal,

who am i writing this for? me or you?

today i thought i wanted new friends. but then amanda made me miss the ones i have. im distant, im close to dead. but im willing to come out of my room. ive only got so much time in this town before the rest of the world sucks me up. so i might as well make the best of this. even if its a bunch of bullshit.

i feel the most unhealthiest ive ever felt. im not sick, but i feel like i am. i eat the worst shit and drink the most beer. my stomach always feels knotted and empty. and my skin is a mess. i feel like i look.. like trash.

i saw david bowie this past saturday with jackie. it was outrageous. we were some of the only kids from this generation. i dont understand why more kids didnt go to see david bowie. he even played 'under pressure.' and he grabbed his crotch a whole lot. hes extremely sexy and im just glad i can say that throughout my lifetime, i have seen david bowie in concert. the bomb diggity.

work, drive, smoke pot, school, drive, work, smoke pot, school, sleep, wake, smoke pot, school, drive, work, sleep. the story of my life.

high schools gotta end. im fucking suffocating.

bye.

dont be so mean to me

2004-06-04T03:15:05Z

theres a bottle of clear nailpolish next to me with a tick in it. sort of like a souvenier from mine and kory's adventure yesterday. we found a secret spot near the electrical towers. its a place, as kory would say, that would be in a really good movie. so when youre there, you feel like youre in a movie. later last night we went to the boardwalk with rachel and played that techno motion dance game. so for the record, for those of you who didnt know...

RACHEL FONDI KICKS ASS AT TECHNO MOTION! SHES REALLY REALLY GOOD AT IT AND USED TO SPEND HOURS AND HOURS PLAYING IT AT THE BOARDWALK. SHE EVEN KNOWS SPECIAL CODES! HAHAHAHA HOW FUCKING SWEET IS THAT?!

sorry rach haha i do love you.

i wrote virginia jacob a letter about a week ago and he hasnt called or anything. damn, thats really depressing. i really miss his face.

tomorrow is the jazz and blues fest in red bank. im hoping to get a few people together and have a real good time. then saturday is david bowie with jackie. thats almost guaranteed a good time. and then sunday is jackies birthday. celebrate!

its like i always tell the girls....

2004-06-01T02:19:43Z

when i empty coffees at work, the seattle roast sometimes smells like marijuana. maybe thats why im addicted to it. maybe thats why im not as tired as i thought i was. because i drink 8 cups of coffee a day. dont tell me caffiene isnt an addictive drug.

im listening to the augustus, wait im sorry, the argument demo. its not that bad. its not bad at all. they should just have more vocals, thats all.

this weekend is somewhat of a blur. friday i hung out at donalds for the most part. that was relaxing. i got to see paris, finally. later that night i went for coffee with jackie and danielle at the diner. saturday i slept real late. then i went to work. then i went home and went to bed. sunday i layed outside and got some sunburn. then i went to work. then i was supposed to go to a club with ashley, felicia, and danielle, but it was too late so we hit up some parties and i ended up trashed on marks couch until like 2pm today. then danielle picked me up and i hung out with my mom until 6, then i worked. now im home. see, i feel the need to write down each detail of my days due to my lack of memory. id hate to look back at my life and say 'i dont remember much.' so this way, i can have this journal to keep reading back on so i can say 'ohhh, shit, i remember that!' get it?

so tomorrow is june 1st. that means 23 days till i graduate high school and begin my eternal summer. i like summer because it always feels like a beginning for me. and i think this summers gonna blow all the rest out of the water. even if its just the 3 of us. thats how it should be... sha sha.

everyones having weird dreams lately.. me, mark, eric sullivan... maybe theres something in the air. or in the water. then again, i always have weird dreams. just lately i cant tell whether the dreams really were dreams or not. thats me and my reality in a nutshell.

im going to write down an idea i just had. peace.

cecilias_grave @ 2004-05-27T23:58:00

2004-05-28T03:53:10Z

im going to marry brian patrick. i just know it.

where did i go?

2004-05-28T02:52:51Z

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? white and gold

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? brave new world- i recommend it to anyone

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? polka dots

4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? scategories

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? nylon

6. FAVORITE SMELL? honeysuckle

5. WORST SMELL? burning hair

8. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING? am i awake or dreaming

9. FAVORITE COLOR? dark red

10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? light pink

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? 2 or 3

12. FUTURE CHILDS NAMES? cecilia, sophia

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? love

14. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? chocolate

15. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? yeah, if only i could

16. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? sometimes

17. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY? very cool

18. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? volvo

19. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO
WOULD IT BE? thom yorke

20. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? yuengling

21. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & BIRTHDAY? virgo- sept 19

22. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? sure

23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? stylist for nylon magazine

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR WHAT WOULD IT BE? platinum

25. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? right now, its a little empty

26. FAVORITE MOVIES? empire records, virgin suicides, my girl, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, waking life

27. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? sure

28. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? paint, barbies, pictures, books, collectibles

29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 22

30. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? the future

35. FAVORITE CD? 'stay what you are' saves the day

36. FAVORITE TV SHOW? real world

37. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? ketchup

38. HAMBURGERS OR HOT DOGS? nada

39. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? vanilla coke

40. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? manhattan

41. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOU COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? none

42. BURGER KING OR MCDONALDS? nada

that was stupid. i gotta find something to do. some adventure of some sort. some big event in my life. someone new. i need to get a grip on my surroundings. im so detatched from everything and everyone and im sorry. i really am.

let the rumors spread

2004-05-26T20:01:00Z

go out.
have fun.
youre allowed to when youre this young.
stop crying.
get off your ass.
walk your dog.
pick a flower.
do whatever.
just shut the fuck up.

im stressed out and i want out of high school.
i want a taste of something new.
and i want to be able to write what im thinking because sometimes i have these really great trains of thought.

danielle thought captain planet was called planet man

2004-05-24T03:19:42Z

ive got this sudden urge to go back in time, as long as things turn out differently in the end. i'll be a better person, a better friend, a better me. i hope i wake up in 1996. id take my time growing up. my bones are achy and my lungs are poor. im getting old.

this weekend was full of self-discovery and twists on life. its also almost becoming a blur. my memory is shot. ask me what the last thing i said was... i dont even know. like i said, im getting old. im burning out like a star.

friday night was prom and it felt like a walking dream. not much in a good way though. i felt really invisible and inferior and out of place. prom made me realize how much i hate high school. just because its typical. i shouldve saved the hundreds of dollars i spent and took a weekened trip. to virgina or new york city. i guess i just had my hopes up too high. i guess i just dont care as much as i thought. im definetly ready to graduate. ASAP. theres only exactly one month to go. hopefully i can suck it up. theres a whole world out there for me. i refuse to be locked up in a high school ever again. high school, ha.

so we ended up leaving early to go party because we had to be somewhere at a certain time. i was sort of dissapointed because i felt like i was barely there but nothing exciting was happening anyway. so me, matt, jackie, topher, danielle, and chris went to our hotel rooms and partied it up until the crack of dawn. not one wink of sleep. it was unlike anything else that ever happened to me. we were all so at ease and happy and friendly as ever. no one fought. it was just pure pure love. a new drug, a new experience to never forget. ive never felt so impressed to be a human being with a human body and the highest intelligence level of existence. i never really appreciated the smallest things. but it all just felt so real and so right. like we were at woodstock in 1969. making love, being naked, meditating, dreaming without sleeping... it all felt so relaxing, so unreal, so dream-like. and all i wanted to do was close my eyes and drift into another world, even standing on my head. just picture a music video for "human behavior" by bjork. thats what the night felt like. we rolled on and on.

saturday we all took showers and naps at our houses. then we drove around some, went to chris' house, went to the mall, then to the diner, then home to have one of the best sleeps ever. my head hit the pillow and i was out cold.

today, sunday, was a beautiful day with a peak of 91 degrees. matt stopped by my house earlier and we picked up jackie for a day at normandy beach. it was beautiful. the sand was hot, but the water was cold. we mostly just relaxed and took in the sun. we played some paddle ball. then we went to surf taco. then matt went home and jackie and i went to walmart, then got coffee, then picked up topha, went to a bonfire at matts beach. then the cops came and spoiled our fun. oh well. maybe some other time.

im ready to pass out. i have some sleep to catch up on. tomorrow i return to my repetitive life of school, work, sleep. how great. it was nice to have the weekend off, but it went super fast. oh well. summer is just around the corner. then were free to taste the sunshine every day.

xo happy birthday donald lawrence arrington xo

why does the phrase "after school special" keep popping up?

2004-05-20T03:33:05Z

im real pissed off because of time again, but dont worry, im not going to rant and rave and sound like an asshole again. i just want you to know that it pisses me off. here it is, 11:25 PM. wednesday night. and i dont want to go to bed because its the same fucking routine night after night. im so sick of it. seriously, im never ever sleeping this summer. its such a fucking waste of "time."

today i thought, how cool is it to work with your best friend? i have such better days when jackie is working. im glad things are the way they used to be, with the 3 of us and all. this is our weekend. hell yea girls. new hope road trip, the big E, senior ball, parrot bay... this truly is what being a teenager is all about.

tomorrow is finally my last day of work until next week. its going to be such a relief tomorrow night. i feel like a fuckin workaholic. i seriously just need this huge break in my life where all i do is live the laid back life i so-call live. i want to eat grapes from the vine and play frisbee all day. why cant life be that easy?

ps. you know you suck when every teacher (except mr. burns) writes 'will possibly fail quarter' on your progress report. i dont get it? what am i doing wrong? fuck this school. a month from sunday and were outta here.

kyle w, my majesty

2004-05-16T04:28:22Z

why are there only 24 hours in a day? how are we expected to be these machines, who all conform through time? from day one, we were all told to rise with the sun and sleep with the moon. well who the hell made that up? why should we have to listen to that? id have to agree with danielle when she says that the thing she misses most about north carolina was how no one had any conception of time. we had the strangest sleeping habits and never knew what day or what time it was. no curfews, no clocking in at work, no school bells, no reason to set our alarm clocks. imagine a place where no time exists and we could do cartwheels at the beach at 3 AM, and hell, that would seem so damn normal. lately i have no conception of time. especially yesterday. what a whirlwind. what a great feeling. a feeling like you never have to go back to bed. you never have to go home. what the hell is time anyway? either way, we all float on.

id like to write about my night last night, but i think i'll keep it to myself. actually, i'll keep it between jackie and i.

seeing everyone dressed up for prom yesterday made me super excited for the senior ball. i mostly just cant wait to get all dressed up and feel like a movie star for the night. i hope i do feel like a movie star. everyone deserves to feel like a movie star at least one night of their lives. were taking pictures at my house on friday and everyones invited, so feel free to come. refreshments and alcohol will be served.

i wish i had the saves the day 'cant slow down' cd with me right now. id listen to it. and i wish danielle was here right now to sit and talk about saves the day with. i really feel like talking about them and their lyrics. and i dont want to write about it in here, because i'll never shut up.

so im high and im lonely on a saturday night. ive got more things to do than you can even imagine, but because of this whole "time" conception, im supposed to turn off the computer, turn off the lights, close my eyes, and float into this mysterious world of sleep for a few hours before i wake up with the sun and "start" the day. i need to give this anti-time thing a rest. i must sound like such an asshole.

the sway, my new band

2004-05-14T04:53:59Z

IEATBABIES4LIFE: i never want you to not be in my life al

thats donald. and i love him more than life itself.

what a beautiful day, dont you agree? jackie and i layed on the grass outside at gym today. i hope we do that everyday. we even did a little yoga and talked to kyle w. maybe frisbee tomorrow. maybe.

i was just telling donald how i connect so strangely with jackie. how i always finish her sentences or say the same things as her at the same time. and how sometimes i know what shes thinking. and i sense her presence. and how shes the only one who comprehends my wild dreams. who else is intrigued by the idea behind 'honey, i shrunk the kids'? jackie is. and thats connection. thats communication. thats a friend.

senior ball is in exactly one week. i wish they'd play saves the day 'blindfolded' at our prom. actually, i wish saves the day was playing at our prom. if this was a movie, they would play. and i would sing 'nightingale' in front of the whole senior class. but this isnt a movie. so get real.

speaking of saves the day, another 2 day festival with danielle in the month of july. july 9 & 10th will be fully dedicated to the hot men of saves the day. cheap tickets, small venues, and long sets. just like eben promised, d. <3

ps. theres this song that ive always loved, for a long long time, and i never knew the name or who sang it, i would just randomly hear it on the radio and in movies and stuff. its an old 90's song. and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, i finally found out what its called and who sings it. and that was a really big accomplishment in my life, as lame as that sounds. and im going to be a douchebag and not tell you what song it is.